i've done what i can, now i'll stand my ground

Know I can keep my head when all around me are losing theirs

For millions – perhaps the whole planet – the world changed on September Eleventh. For us, a handful of little insignificant people at the end of our cul-de-sac, our world changed on September Twelfth.

Because, I am who I am
And you can’t change me

Today, at 17.30pm, I was supposed to pick Maddie up from her mother’s house. At 17.30pm this afternoon I was at East Croydon station, waiting for the 17.37pm departure to London Bridge.

I say “supposed”. You be the judge of whether I was “supposed” to be there at all. Yes, it is my fortnightly weekend of contact with Maddie. Ignoring everything else, I’d have been there, as normal, to collect her (I say “normal”. “Normal” would have been 3pm as it has been for the last two and a half years. The 5.30pm thing is a recent moving of goalposts, but bear with me.) As it happens, today I had to attend a senior management meeting for my company in a suburb of London.

Our company employs 200 people. If I had to rank myself in importance of everyone that works there, I’d say I was somewhere around 40. Clearly the place won’t go bust without me, but on the basis that I was the second best fee earner in our Region last year, supervise the 4th best, contribute significant amounts of general company PR material (I was on BBC News 4 last week if anyone saw me) and run the only (yes, ONLY) office that has turned over as much income this year as it did last, I’m a vital enough cog in the wheel.

Attendance at a senior management event (held twice a year) is therefore quite important. It’s also important as I am in the mortgage business, and so in an environment which is, let’s be frank, “utterly fucked”, even a one-line whip to demonstrate my commitment to the cause at the present time is essential for the safety of my job. Let me not underestimate this point – the final presentation today by our MD ended with him basically saying that we were with him and his plans for the evolution of the company, or we were out on our ear. Not being there to hear this would not have been the brightest career move I ever made.

This is, of course, the job that also pays the Ex’s mortgage and keeps her from instant bankruptcy. Frustratingly, this argument cuts absolutely no mustard whatsoever (I have tried on more than one occasion speculating with her about what happens when I get made redundant as the chiefs think I am not really a team player as I can’t even show up at management meetings, and the resultant financial repercussions, to no avail.)

I’ve done what I can
Now I’ll stand my ground

I would point out at this stage that I knew of the clash of meeting/Maddie Friday about two months ago. I spoke to the Ex on 1st August (that is six weeks ago) and explained the situation and she agreed to me collecting Maddie on Saturday morning at that time, but with the added caveat that “she would be noting that it was a time when I didn’t collect Maddie on Friday and would obviously use it in any challenge I might make to these contact hours in the future”.

So, let’s be clear – she agreed to me collecting Maddie on Saturday but with this giant threat that if I did so, she’d use it against me wherever possible.

You’re tying my hands if you rearrange me
It all falls down

Clearly, I was unsettled by this stance and didn’t want to have that threat hanging over me. And so, prepared to put aside the differences she and the Ex have, Hen offered to pick Maddie up at the pre-arranged time today. Even my mother, who wouldn’t cross the road to piss in the Ex’s ear if her brain was on fire, was prepared to go. I’d be home about the same time as them and we’d fulfil our 5.30pm obligation.

Of course the Ex refused this on the grounds that “only her and I have access to rights to Maddie”. She would not release Maddie to Hen. If I couldn’t pick her up, she wouldn’t be coming.
Why when you dream do you see me as something I’m not?
Why don’t you wake up and see all the good things you’ve got

This stance was part of the reason I then consulted a solicitor, but I won’t go into that now. I firmly believe that a tiny element of flexibility and (perhaps even more importantly in case I am ever terminally ill, or in a car crash, or break my arm or something) that another grown adult that Maddie knows well should be afforded the courtesy to collect her on my behalf (remember here that a childminder drops Maddie off and picks her up from school every day.)

When I had to speak to the Ex earlier this week, I was also informed that she and her solicitor were “delighted” that I was not picking Maddie up today. They believe that my plea and solicitor-backed appeal for the retention of my Friday contact hours is fundamentally undermined by my non-appearance this evening. To say she is treating this as a giant moral points-scoring victory is the understatement of the year.

A heart isn’t made out of clay
Not something you shape with your hands

I also received a letter from my solicitor today with the Ex’s response to my solicitor’s request to restore 3pm Friday access. It is mainly babble and is largely unacceptable, but what has stuck in my craw more than anything today is her assertion that “Maddie is expecting her father to come on Friday and will be therefore disappointed [and presumably emotionally scarred forever, in the Ex’s language] by his non-arrival”.

This, in a nutshell, tells you every little thing you need to know about the Ex’s emotional manipulation. Firstly, Maddie doesn’t know what the days of the week *are*. Telling her that her dad is coming on Friday means *nothing* to her. Secondly, I gave the Ex six weeks notice that I wasn’t going to be able to collect Maddie today, and so it is patently not the case that I have simply “failed to turn up as expected”.

What would a right-minded parent do here? What would I do? I’d say “oh, Mummy is working today, she is very important and has to go and earn the pennies which pay for our house and for our treats”. I’d have said that weeks ago, in fact. Or something. I would not have played any stupid, destructive emotional games with a four year old child by which she gets to portray me as habitually failing to turn up when today is (and I have checked this thoroughly) the first time this year I have asked to swap a contact day, and only then for a completely unavoidable work commitment.

Understand, I am who I am
And you can’t change me
I’ve done what I can, now I’ll stand my ground

I believe strongly in my whole argument here, but I know this also to be true: if I do fail in my attempt to restore my access to the previous levels for the simple reason that I went to work today, I will punish myself harshly.

You’re tying my hands if you rearrange me
It all falls down

I sent a message to my mum this morning who has been extremely strong in the face of this ongoing trouble, and supportive in the extreme. I told her that I was scared, and that it felt like something of a defining day. Her response (in typical defiant fashion) cheered me though:

“But it’s a bit of a defining day also in your favour with the child minder preferred over family.”

Is the reason you ask me to change so that you stay the same?
Well I’m sorry if I keep disappointing you again, and again

Who knows what the outcome of this will be? I am trying to remain positive, and I don’t believe that my requests are outlandish or unreasonable. My experience tells me, however, that when you don’t toe the Ex’s line – when you dig your heels in and don’t dance to her tune (it would be hard to dance to anything with your heels dug in, I suppose) she is at her most unpredictable and dangerous. And with a solicitor on her side believing much the same, it appears that the war of words has only just begun.

I am who I am
And you can’t change me
I’ve done what I can
Now I’ll stand my ground
You’re tying me hands if you rearrange me
It all falls down