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Review: week ending Sunday 3 February 2013

This week: the worst movie ever made.
 
At the moofies

Zero Dark Thirty is Oscar winning director Kathryn Bigelow's latest film, telling the tale of the 10 year man hunt for Osama bin Laden through the eyes of a CIA operative. The brilliant Jessica Chastain is the operative, Maya, and gives a terrifically understated performance, even if I'd have liked to know a bit more about her character.

The film has been exposed to plenty of criticism about the torture sequences, but to me they were a depiction of the tactics employed at that time, not a glorification. Of course, you do then become conflicted when the information gained under torture ends up actually leading you to the ultimate target. The film also raises one or two more interesting questions about the nature of war, not least what on earth John Barrowman is doing in a serious film about terrorism.

Zero Dark Thirty is an admittedly one-sided tale and doesn't do much more than tell the story (there's not much character development going on). Still, it's a great yarn, brilliantly told and I was engrossed throughout. Quality film making. 8/10

Over the last few years, I've seen in the region of 400 films. During that time there have been some real highlights: I immediately think of Hugo, the Swedish Dragon Tattoo trilogy, Skyfall, Argo and the Dark Knight series.

And, of course, with that many trips to the flicks there are bound to be one or two stinkers along the way. Until recently, I'd have listed Mamma Mia!, Keith Lemon: The Movie, Skyline and Battleship amongst the worst films I've endured over recent years. That was all, however, before the horror that is Movie 43.

Movie 43 stars Kate Winslet. And Hugh Jackman. And Halle Berry, Justin Long, Emma Stone, Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Uma Thurman, the wonderful Chloe Grace-Moretz and Anna Faris. And Richard Gere, Jack McBrayer, Stephen Merchant, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, Josh Duhamel, Jason Sudeikis, Terrence Howard and Elizabeth Banks. Fisher Stevens is in it, for heaven's sake. Fisher Stevens! Off of Short Circuit!

Every last one of these people should know better and hang their heads in shame. Movie 43 isn't so much a film as a series of hideously and increasingly unfunny sketches, linked together with the most implausible story in the history of cinema. Each sketch is based on one 'joke', almost always from a choice of: poo, periods, masturbation or genitalia. It would have perhaps redeemed itself were there to be one - just one - point where it raised a smile. It didn't. I was so far from laughing it was untrue: indeed I spent much of it with my head in my hands wondering if it could get any worse. It did. Often.

If I had access to my brain so I could take a brillo pad to it and scrub it until it was cleansed of any trace of this rotten excuse for a film, I would do it immediately. All I can suggest that you do is give this steaming pile of horse shit as wide a berth as you possibly can. For the first time ever: 0/10

Music to work by

Don't be surprised if newcomer Matthew E White's album Big Inner has passed you by. I imagine it's passed most people by since its release in the US late last year, which is a shame as it's an original and interesting record.

Quite honestly, I don't know what to say about it. It's hard to describe - the Guardian called it 'country-soul-gospel' (which ticks quite a few boxes) and White is more of a low-key murmurer than a top-of-his-voice belter. What I do like about Big Inner is: a) it manages to be original whilst sounding very retro b) it has a lot of great horns in it c) it's immensely tuneful and rich Having only heard it on some pretty ropey speakers, it's the sort of album that I'd need to hear clearly on my nice stereo system. It has certainly done enough for me to want to buy it, mind. Check it out.

I've owned Christina Perri's Lovestrong album for months now and it got a dusting off and a few plays this week. It's precisely the sort of poppy female vocal album that I have a penchant for and features mammoth hit Jar of Hearts. I hadn't, though, got myself a copy of her follow-up single, A Thousand Years, until this week. Now, don't be put off by the fact that the song features in the Twilight: Breaking Dawn film. Actually, A Thousand Years is one of the loveliest, most romantic ballads I've heard for a really long time. Sappy, I know, but I absolutely *love* this record.

Other songs to acquaint/reacquaint yourself with this week:

Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone (by golly this is a great pop record)
Labrinth featuring Emilie Sande - Beneath Your Beautiful

The gogglebox

So, Top Gear is back for it's gazillionth series. In some ways it's reassuring to see that nothing has changed - episode 1 involved the three guys cocking about with fast cars and it did make me laugh in places - but isn't it about time they mixed it up a bit? An £800,000 supercar, a car they have built themselves and James May in a car that's clearly too fast for him. I'm sure I've seen this all before - every day on Dave if you fancy it - but the ratings seem to hold up and, I suppose, if it ain't broken, don't fix it.

Next week: Django, Lincoln and Flight...